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So since becoming a parent 5 years ago, and twice more since then, I feel somewhat of a reliable source to be able to give some tips on parenting. Actually, these might be some really weird tips that you never come across, but just on the off chance you do, at least you'll have some go to knowledge before resorting to 'Google' only to find out it isn't considered normal, and you should definitely have a specialist check, recheck and multiple test for it. So before I get back to cleaning butts, diapers and dishes, I leave you with these three I Guess Im Due moments and hope you find some relate ability, some empathy, and most definitely, some hilarity... 
12 WEEKS
Finding out your pregnant is like one of the coolest feelings in the world, is it not? I mean, even when your ' not expecting to be expecting' and it's a total shocker, it is still such an amazing feeling knowing there is a tiny little human being growing inside of you. It becomes even that much sweeter everyday your belly gets bigger, and bigger, and those flutters turn to kicks, and the kicks into somersaults. What I found to be the most wonderful point in my pregnancy (each time really) was that 12 week appointment. This is when I really started to think " Omg it's real, it's a real little person...I'm so in love.." [translation : ' HOLY SH*# it' a real person, a real f*&*^% little person... I'm so in love, and so terrified. jk .] Yes, that beloved 12 week appointment, when you hear that sweet little swoosh of a racing heartbeat... oh and it's the first time of many that you'll be felt up by a total (ok not TOTAL ) stranger.
For sake of extreme awkwardness, always choose the pap first.
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UHG IS THAT .....BLOOD
SO breastfeeding for me, was, for lack of a better term...tedious. I had a very hard time with latching, and creaming, and cracking, and engorging.. I was awful ok? I tried so hard and I did pretty good, but mostly I was just too hard on myself.. I pumped from about week 2 until about week 12 when I dried up. After a few sessions with lactation consultant Emily, who was wonderfully patient by the way, I finally got a good routine going. She helped me manage a decent diet so I could get the extra calories in and everything. Since that diet mostly consisted of fruits, veggies, and liquids, I thought I hit the jackpot of ideas at Kroger when I found the V8 fruit fusion! I mean, 8 servings of each in one glass?? I mean COME ON why isn't this on the how-to pumping manual!?? So I bought about 5 of those baby's in Strawberry Banana, and in about 2 1/2 days they were all gone...
I was feeling good! This new diet was great I had lots of energy, I was producing pretty decent, and she seemed to be reacting well to the milk I produced! Hell Ya!.. Until the day I sat down, started pumping and about 4 minutes into pumping I looked down and there was red liquid squirting out of my nipple and filling the bottle! I RIPPED that funnel off and stuck a pad on my boob which was continuing to let down, and ran through the house yelling "MARINA [Marina is my little sis] MY BOOB IS BLEEDING.... MY BOOB IS PRODUCING BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!'' Omg I was having a full blown panic attack. Like I could barely function while telling Marina of the horrific scene that just took place, as if she couldn't already tell by the way my chest was covered in red stained nipple pads.. After she calmed me down and brought me back to reality, I was swinging the bottle of red liquid at her saying " OMG am I bleeding internally? Did I feed Stella BLOOD and not know it?? Oh my gosh, I'm going to be sick!" So we did the smart thing (child one, when you still call the hospital first before Google...) When I reached Lactation Emily, I explained through tears how I had to be doing something wrong and I will probably need a transfusion and that I was O negative just in case.. She quickly calmed me down and ask one simple question. "Is it clotting or just staying like tomato soup?" when I replied 'Just tomato soup' she then asked if I had been eating or drinking anything with red # 40 in it... I quickly ran to my V8 fusions and realized other than juice from concentrate that Sh&^ is like all red #40!
Emily explained to me that if you consume anything with a lot of dye's in it your breast milk can become red, blue or green. She also told me it's totally safe for the baby to drink if I felt comfortable giving it to her.
I definitely dumped that shit out.
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DO NOT LOOK.. THEY'RE FINE
During my first go at labor, I guess you could say I was a little overzealous because I , like many, pushed to hard, and went and got myself 3 stitches and a hemorrhoid. Ugh, what an awful feeling.. I was told everything was great, and the stitches would be gone in about 2 weeks, and I was a little freaked out by all that, but as soon as they put that sweet 7#4 oz. beauty in my arms.. all that pain went away. I didn't even remember it, until about week 2...
What I saw in that bathroom, with that tiny mirror, on that cloudy day will never be spoken of again..
I walked out and both Marina and Chad said " DO you feel better?" As I burst into tears and crazed pandemonium over "whatever the hell I just looked at..." I pleaded that there was "NO way that was my vagina..." and "I don't know if a stitch even snagged but I don't even care.. "
Called the Doctor about an hour later, turns out the itching is TOTALLY normal, and all it means is that the last of the stitches is dissolving...
So please, for sake of your mind, eyes, and husband..."Don't Look."
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Thank you so much to Erika for sharing some funny mommy experiences with us! Don't forget to show Erika some love on Facebook and visit her blog at www.damnithank.com.
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